I am thinking of creating a new blog. One that is private too. It's time to let go, move on and celebrate being a twenteen because it should be the time of my life; the time where I learn how to stand on my own two feet in the world; the time where I can say 'fuck everything' and still end up having that big, cheesy, sampat grin that probably has a few more aging lines compared to that picture of me on the left.

It is time.

when the question becomes you

There was once when I was confident and self-assured about what I wanted, what I knew and who I was. Sad to say, if you (would be) bothered to look at the posts I created 3 years ago, you would too, notice a huge difference in me. I am no longer that person and I question myself daily about what I have achieved since I left Malaysia and what I have become.

I am having an identity crisis right now. The 17 yr old me would describe myself as happy-go-lucky but the 20 yr old me wouldn't even dare say anything. Sigh. I get depressed when people jokingly call me Miss President/Boss in reference to my Interact and A-levels days. I wouldn't even use the word 'capable' to describe myself anymore. I just feel like I am... nothing . I used to have stories, LOTS of stories to tell the world and blog about. Things that made me laugh and feel good about myself. But such things are almost non-existent now.

I guess things took a turn when I reached the States. How wonderful it was to FINALLY have an education system where I could do whatever I wanted to do- learn, sing, dance, have a crazy good "American" time like what was on TV. My world basically crumbled due to this, my naiveness and unpreparedness for what lied ahead.

I didn't know that getting an A meant getting 93-94% for exams. I didn't know that with each grade drop (A+ -> A -> A- -> B+, etc) meant deducting .33 from 4.0 for my GPA. I didn't know that I would have problems with the administration. I didn't know that SAM would prepare me better than A-lvls for the education system. I didn't know that it would be so bloody hard to assimilate into the American culture, not like I even knew what the culture was in the first place!

I felt lonely and misunderstood all the time and wondered if going to the UK would've been better for me. Many times I looked at my UK friends' profiles and envied their (seemingly) easy and enjoyable lifestyles.

I was depressed, easy as that. Many other factors affected me but yea, I was just not strong enough to deal with everything.

And that is exactly what is making me regret today- that I didn't try to make things better for myself. I simply gave up and wallowed in self-pity. I didn't even want to email my family and friends because I just wanted to hide from the world, questions and judgments. I also started to put the blame on others for some of the decisions that I've made.

But today, I know I should stop doing that. I should accept and let go of the past. I need to discover who I am regardless of who I was. I really need to start.. loving myself. Haih.

It really wasn't until I watched 'Man in the Mirror' moments ago that I realized how Michael Jackson's music has always been embedded in my life. When I was around 6-7 years old, my siblings, cousins and I would go to Bukit Jalil club to bowl. To me then, the whole experience was a rarity cos Bukit Jalil just opened and I've never been to any clubs (oh, how the meaning of this word has changed) before. What was cooler, was the jukebox at the back of the alley. I remember clearly that I asked my siblings to choose 'You are not alone'. I also remember how I felt shy when I heard the song blaring through the speakers.. I was really ashamed to be caught listening to love songs when I was a child hahaha.. I thought Michael was really handsome in the video too :). 'Black or White' was the song that made me develop a small crush on Macaulay Culkin back in the day. When I was 16, me and my friends performed as a group [X]-t.a.s.y. at the 2005 ICC Charity Concert. Thriller was our opening score. It was so awesome.. Playing zombie dead, having the smoke machines on , Arthur moonwalking across the stage, waking up and doing those Thriller moves! Ahhhhhh... In that year's concert alone, I think 2-3 groups played Thriller. Haha.. And in the next year, I was the OC of the concert. I never really told anyone this to stay impartial but I felt that one of the best moves came from Lisan's group when they danced to 'Beat it'. I also once shamelessly wondered how it would be like if I had two guys fighting over me like in the song 'The Girl is Mine' sung by MJ and Paul McCartney heheh.. I had always wanted to see Michael Jackson perform live but all I can say for now is that I'm thankful to have grown up listening to his music. R.I.P.

Buster and my mom's flowers

WTF

OMG sometimes reading back my posts when I was 17/17 going on 18 makes me damn depressed. Where has my lameness gone to!? Aiyo.. Am I turning into this boring person who takes things seriously and thinks too much about them? Omg I think I'm doing it right now! Aih! Read about my pigeon attack in form 5, how Carmen laughed at me winning a box of fiberlife powder whereas she only won 2 packets after me (hahahaha), my ass being cupped by the Sungai Wang dress shop owner, pictures of Warren shopping with girls, my take on the I-am-man-hear-me-roar (sigh, I am quoting the old me. That IS sad) movie 300... UGHHHH! Lame, happy-go-lucky Earthleng has turned into my-age-now-begins-with-the-digit-2 and desperate-to-be-lame-again Earthleng. :,,,,( I actually told my brother while I was watering my mom's plants just now: Watering plants has a therapeutic effect on me.......... wtf

;,,,,,,,,(

Heehee

My boyfriend was a very good boy in both primary and high school. I remember telling him that I was the total opposite with what I did during standard 3. Calling me mischievous is probably an understatement. Oh goodness.. Just read on.. Hahahaa.. If you think you know me well, read on man!!! I totally forgot about this until I told LH.

I was the Head Librarian (yes I was a librarian, for 2 years in fact!!) for the afternoon session. We would have to go to the library at 11.30am and stay there till 1pm to sort the books and put em back on the shelves. I was given the key to lock the library at 1.. I forgot how it started.. But all of us actually chased everyone out, closed the library at 12.30pm and played catching almost everyday. Sometimes even until we went late for classes! Some of the games that I came up with (also dunno how I was so naughty and mou liu back then) were:


-"Vampire attack"
We would switch off all the lights, choose 3 people to be 'vampires' and hop around like the ones we see in old Chinese shows (keong si). I was an avid Sailormoon fan.. ERRRRR If you have read the comic book before, Sailormars has this "fu", a piece of paper that has some Chinese magic words on it to ward off evil spirits. I copied down the Chinese characters onto strips of papers to use em in this game so when the "vampires" went near one of us, we would stick the paper onto their foreheads or something and the person would have to stay still for a few seconds. What the hell man. I was only 9 when I came up with this?!?!

-"Shark"
All of us would join two long tables side by side, stand on them, and have 2 players underneath the table as 'sharks'. Once the "sharks" grab your leg, you lose and would have to join them.

-"Lion"
same concept. no standing on tables.. I forgot how it went.

Oh ya!! Some librarians and I abhorred our BM teacher at that time cos he caned everyone who did not get 100% for ejaan (spelling test). We pretended that he was an empty bottle and started kicking it around.. wth.. like future witch doctors. Hahahhaa.. scared of me anot.

Seriously -_-

On a blogging spree, feel so free, want to eat fried maggi mee

I have two friends who have been my closest pals since 15. Both taller than me, as lame as me, more loving and caring than me, less sampat than me and definitely, more patient than me. I haven't seen them in a year's time. I should've called and emailed them more over the past one year. It's saddening sometimes, to think, feel, or know that we might or have drifted apart, that between us aren't just miles, but a void. But I feel that we shouldn't be afraid of this void. True friends don't necessarily have to be close to you. Whichever way you choose to define 'true', these friends will always have your back regardless of how many hours you talk on the phone, see each other or simply spend time together.

These two ladies (ladies because we are entering our twenties) are gems to me. The good and bad shit that we've been through together for the past 5 years made us grow, appreciate and learn about life. about friendship, loyalty, trust, determination, acceptance, change and choice. I guess none of us except one (:P) has ever been good at expressing ourselves. The best achievement might have been crying at every single romance show we watched together, notably The Notebook and Made of Honor.

Some say you're lucky if you have at least one true friend. Well, I am lucky, needless to say why. I know many people and have cliques that I can easily blend into. I was voted as the Socialite back in high school. But as you grow and look back at what was and what is, some things just don't matter much anymore. Numbers are just numbers, and titles are just titles.

Noelle and Lydia,
here's to you, to us, to the past 5 years of laughter, lame jokes, farts, tears, yelling, disappointment, disagreement, boy problems, endless support, encouragement, happiness and perseverance together or apart.

Miss you guys!

"It's a funny thing about comin' home. Looks the same, smells the same, feels the same. You'll realize what's changed is you. "